ANTI SOCIAL ALCOHOLICS BLOWN UP BY FREAK LIGHTER ACCIDENT

A group of Anti Social Alcoholics, who have been a nuisance for a long time in the town, have been blown up by a freak lighter accident earlier today.

The group were thought to have been attempting to light a cigarette with an empty zippo lighter and barbecue fuel at the back of Dunelm Mill on Oxford Street this morning when the accident happened.
Witnesses told of a large explosion and a smell of burning hair.

Many local business have offered their condolences to anyone affected by the mess left by the explosion but were pleased with the news.

WOMAN TELLS OF MOMENT SHE FOUND TEDDY BEAR PERVERT IN WOODS

A Kidderminster lady has told of the moment she found a man performing a lewd act with a giant teddy bear.

Nora Shaft was walking through woods in Wolverley with her dog, Bouncer, when she saw a man amongst the trees.

"He was about thirty metres from me" said Nora. "He appeared to be doing push ups. I walked a bit nearer and he was naked on top of a giant teddy bear panting. He saw me and ran off. I was shocked. It was weird."

Nora alerted police who were at the scene within days to take vital forensic evidence. The teddy bear was dressed in lingerie from Aldi.

The man was described as 5ft exactly, wearing a security uniform and walked and ran with an over exaggerated swagger.

DEADLY WOODLOUSE SPIDER SPOTTED IN WYRE FOREST

A Spider that can bite humans and is deadly, to Woodlice, has been spotted a number of times in the Wyre Forest area.

The Spider, which is grey with a reddy orange body can kill woodlice within minutes. It has also been known to give a nasty bite humans when handled.

One man was bitten yesterday whilst sitting next to the Canal by Tescos and was took to hospital. He was treated for a panic attack which may have been brought on by the spider bite.

Many other strange creatures have been spotted in Wyre Forest and local conservationists believe the warm weather and mild winter has encouraged growth of tropical like animals.

Other spiders that have also been discovered in the region are the human biting 'Tube web spider' which has bright green fangs and the 'Rustic Wolf spider'.
Also discovered in the area was what was believed to be a venomous Copperhead Snake.

Members of the public are asked to be on the lookout for the animals.

KIDDERMINSTER STREET LIGHTBULB THEFT WARNING

Residents in Kidderminster have been urged to be on the lookout for thieves who are targeting Streetlight bulbs after a series of thefts in the area.

Members of a local neighbourhood watch in Aggborough reported around 8 Streetlights not working yesterday evening. Witnesses saw two men clambering up the streetlights around 8pm last night before taking the bulbs out of the lamps.
This is the fourth reported incident in the past week.

Experts believe that the men are targeting the lamps because of lower wattage energy saving bulbs being sold at various places within the district.

Bulb expert Lou Minus said

"The bulbs being sold in local hardware stores have the power of 2 candles. These streetlight bulbs have the power of a thousand candles. Also the energy saving bulbs take up to 2 hours to reach full strength of light wheras the streetlight bulbs take just two minutes. Its no wonder the light frustrated people of Kidderminster are resorting to other means."

The council has temporarily replaced the streetlights with long lasting flares until it can find replacement bulbs.

MAN TO MAKE PORN FILM AFTER PEEPING IN CAR PARK BEHIND CLUBS

A peeping tom, who originally started out making films of urban nocturnal wildlife, has compiled hundreds of public sex displays in a Kidderminster car park to sell as porn video "Car park action."

Pierre Vert, 42, said he hopes to make "a lot of money through peoples dirtiness."
The highlight of the video involves a man giving oral relief to a female on a car bonnet before going to sleep for 6 minutes whilst still positioned between her thighs, the woman looking baffled.

Mr Vert said he himself is not interested in watching the video but said a friend persuaded him to sell the film of the couples on DVD.

Speaking to the Echo, Mr Vert explained
"One minute I was watching the social attitudes of the urban fox, next thing I know I spot a man with his thing out putting it into a womans chasm. I was shocked. It wasnt until I had experienced this about two hundred times that a friend mentioned I should sell the videos as pornographic material."

Mr Vert explained that the video, recorded over a period of three months behind Home nightclub and Vizi Bar, has been pre ordered by 100,000 people so far.

HARRIERS DITCH BIRD MASCOT PROMPTING TEAM NAME CHANGE

Kidderminster Harriers are to now be known as the Kidderminster Mice after the clubs board decided to change the name in a bid to hold onto old Kidderminster roots.

As many local historians know, the traditional Kidderminster creature, as featured on the towns crest of arms from 1649, is a fieldmouse.

Kidderminster Mice as they are now known will be using a new mascot from the end of this season. Mike the Mouse is set to be a "Big hit with fans young and old" according to the board.

KIDDERMINSTER WOMAN TOLD BY WORKERS "GET PLASTIC SURGERY OR QUIT"

An aestethically unpleasing woman has been told by her bosses that she faces the sack unless she has plastic surgery.

Marjorie Gargol, of Park Lane, Kidderminster, said
"My boss called me into the office and told me I would receive a letter. I thought nothing of it until I received the letter two days later. It basically said, 'have plastic surgery or be fired'. It is crazy."

Marjorie, who resembles one of Channel Fours 'Bo-Selecta' characters, is employed by U.G.L.E (United Global Loan Enterprise).
Her boss, Hans Soom, said
"We deal with clients where first impressions count. We have offered to pay for this woman to look twenty years younger, with a nicer face. We have even thrown in a boob job to keep her pert. We care. That is all."

Marjorie said
"They should employ me because of my skills. Not because they think my boobs aren't right."

WOMAN CLIMBS KIDDERMINSTERS UGLIEST BUILDING AND URINATES

Police are dealing with a situation at the moment involving a urinating woman on part of Crown House in Kidderminster.

Police evacuated the nearby Post Office after the woman attempted to urinate on pedestrians. The woman has now been on the building for nearly 4 hours.
Police did originally plan to shoot her with a Tazer gun but decided againt it because of electrocution risks because of falling 'spray'.

Members of the public are being urged not to approach the woman as she is not showing any signs of stopping. The woman shouted earlier
"I have 29 bottles of coke so I can go for days!".

Police are drafting in a special bucket to catch any of the urine.

UPDATE: PETROL STATION RAIDER WORE HUMAN MASK

The raider who attempted to rob Sainsburys petrol station in Kidderminster was wearing a human mask.

Police say they are looking for a red male, about seven feet in height with goat horns and a deep voice.

Police have ruled out the possibility of Elmo from Sesame Street being a suspect.

EXPERTS WARN TOWN WATER HAS MADE THINGS WET

Experts drafted in by the council to investigate the effect of rain on Kidderminster have drawn up some amazing conclusions.

Wyre Forest Council brought in the experts after everyones concern about the rain. In another well thought out, money well spent idea by the council, experts reached the following conclusions:

● Water makes things wet

● Lots of water from the sky is called rain

● Rain can also make things wet

● When it rains, water falls fron the sky at the speed of rain

In a breakthrough of meteorogical studies, the council has championed the report and claimed that this "is a new golden era for weather analysis."

Experts were asked by the council to investigate after thousands of facebook statuses from people in the area were asking "What is going on with this rain."

Local hair product name based MP, Mark Garnier, said

"These brave scientists were out all day collecting data. Well worth the £ 100,000."

Flan Oborkney said of the research
"We need more speed cameras."

WOLVERLEY NOISE HATERS TO TAKE LEGAL ACTION AGAINST GOD

A group of Wolverley residents, who recently succeeded in winning legal action against a music festival, are to sue God for the noise of Church Bells.

The Wolverley Against Noise, Cease All Sound or W.A.N.C.A.S say their lives are being ruined by church bells and stormy weather and want to tackle the problem by looking incredibly angry in local newspapers.

The group, who have just won a court case against organisers of MAD festival want to take on him upstairs on.
The groups leader, Graham Golden, said
"We all moved to Wolverley for the buzzing local culture and to be by a church. We wanted to see God, not hear him."

Local Councillor, Gordon "Thunderbird" Yarranton said
"We need to do something. Earplugs are not an option. End the bells. Bells - end."

We attempted to speak to God about the situation but were unable to contact him due to poor signal.

Graham Golden says
"Church bells have ruined my life. Every Sunday morning I pray this hell will end."

TORTURE TRACKING FINAL ENDS IN VICTORY FOR FRANCHE FOUR

The annual torture tracking finals taking place in Kidderminster have been brought to an end after the Famous Franche Four saw off tough opponents the Komby Kids.

The match started at 10am this morning with the Franche Four being the youngest finalists ever to take part in an official Torture Tracking Competition.

The Franche Four, all 12 years old,  saw off tough opposition such as the Aggborough Ardnuts and the Sion Hill Sausages in previous rounds to make the final.

Komby Kids started off well by chucking Suzi of the Franche gang off a cliff. Bt in true Franche Four fashion, forefiting fighting for failure was not an option for Suzi, who carried on and stamped on the knee of Kombys Kane Kikka, 36, putting him out of the match.

Komby Kids then lost another team member in Jimmy Jockey, 27, who was beaten around the head with sticks by Peter and Rupert from Franche.

The drubbing ended when the final two members of Komby Kids, Jack and Glen, both 32, were subjected to water torture and fingers chopped off by Suzi and Simon to win the match 4-0.

Franches captain afterwards said
"It was enjoyable. We really enjoyed f****** up them Komby Kids and hope they enjoyed it too."

The Fantastic Franche Four will be celebrating tonight by watching Aladdin and eating lots of Starburst.

GALE PLATT FORCE WINDS WREAK HAVOC IN STOURPORT HIGH STREET

Stourport High Street has been severely hit by Gail Platt force winds and excessive rain.

Visitors to Petes Prints were left stranded as the onslaught of weather cut them off from humanity for a minute until they managed to alert a bloke in a boat with a pie.

The Gail Platt force winds haven't been seen since the winter of 89. The force from the winds has been measured to be as strong as Mach 5 (not Gilette).
Platt has rarely made an appearance in weather, having made her name in Coronation Street as an E.T lookalike, but she meant business as she passed over Stourport.

Pigeons who were sitting on the railings flapped uncontrollably, not knowing what to do about the biblical flood. Men scratched their bums looking bewildered and Mint enthusiasts looked excited hoping for cross country skiing thinking this was the start of the Polo vortex that has been in America.

Elsewhere in the area, Bewdley Farmers were annoyed whilst burning rubbish as the storm had literally pissed on their bonfires.

In the end they resorted to burning fly tipped washing machines to aid global warming.